Date: Monday 25/9/23
Location: Noosa Spit
Hare: Popeye

It started really darn early – 4:57am to be precise! That was the time that Popeye sent me a text message – “can you add the start time of 5pm to the website page”. Was he confused with 5am an 5pm??! With such an early start, you’d expect millions of well set arrows up the stairs to the top of Upper Hasting Street, the Laguna Lookout, through the Noosa National Park or some exotic trail! Well, the hare didn’t exactly lie when he announced that there was some sort of sporadic markings – go along the beach and the pick up the trail along the boardwalk and then Hastings Street. More importantly, there were multiple drink stops at your choice and at your own expense!

A handful of hashers, gladly followed Next Week, All Fours and Licker onto the beach front but most took the less sandy route along the bushy track. It was quite a busy beach, Hastings Street with holiday goers, school holidays and of course – the Hashers! Towards the end of Hastings Street, Reverse Thrust and Bedspringer were the main instigators for a refreshing drink while Dun Rootin’ was eager to sip a G&T. At this ‘Gin Palace’ establishment, Weak As thought it was a little steep for charging $12 for a can of coke – not quite sure why he was drinking coke when last week he accused Ride On for trying to poison him with water at the drink stop! As we headed back through the Noosa Woods, the Noosa Botanic Gardens and carpark, Boobs who was seen striding ahead stopped by his car. At that moment, he yelled out with pain that he had got cramp – we all just ignored him and kept on going…

What a beautiful vista to the Noosa River Mouth/Entrance and across the sea as the sun was setting. Popeye and Jan whipped out their phones to capture the beauty while the rest of the rowdy hashers drank and chatted. The run report was given by Lunatic – a great, well marked run (probably All Four’s extra markings), scenic views, lots of people, sea, sun, sand, a wonderful walk which she scored 10/10!

Down downs were given to:

• Visitors: David & 6 Months of the Year (Melbourne) – Hoarder’s sister & brother in law, Jan (no hash name from Brisbane) – Bundy’s friend
• Shit Stirrer Award: Insultan – for feeling sorry for the unfortunate people with very little clothing on, where were those eyes wandering?
• Red Knob – for impersonating a hobo/homeless man with his worldly possessions strapped on his bike peddling around Tewantin
• Ride On – everyone following him at the start only to lead them to his car and not being on trail (Pied Piper?)
• 5 honourable milestone awards: Unremarkable (25 runs), Next Week, All Fours & Dun Rootin’ (50 runs), Boobs (600 runs)
• Recharge for living up to his hash name, ran out of battery juice on a long bike ride out of town – hasn’t he learnt already?
• Screamer & Unremarkable – Screamer recently declared on FB to the world that she’s in a relationship – it was to tell everyone (female and males) hands off her bloke rather than the announcement of an engagement (we can still have a party, can’t we?!)
• Reverse Thrust & Bedspringer for being the instigators for the drink stop @ the Gin Palace – apparently Reverse had 4 drinks!
• Boobs – on the way back he stops suddenly by his car, not that his knee was giving him trouble but he yells out that he’s got cramp somewhere else. There were some very keen onlookers wanting to help rub it better…

The free raffle (not the Chook Raffle) was won by DT. Thanks to the solo hare – Popeye for the random trail, roasted chicken and salad but most importantly the wonderful vista, banter and beers shared with fellow Hashers!

The morale of the story about the early bird is: “no matter how early you get up, you’ll end up getting roasted and eaten for dinner by the hashers!” (said the chicken)…

On On
All Fours

Date: Monday 18/9/23
Location: Sunshine Beach
Hares: Ride On & Roobarb

We gathered at Ed Webb Park in Sunshine Beach, half expecting to reach out to the sea and run along the sand where I’d be singing:

Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea
Oh, I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom
Where the brass bands play tiddley-om-pom-pom
So, just let me be beside the seaside
I’ll be beside myself with glee… (may be Slurps did?!)

Alas, it was not to be as we ran parallel to the coastal track and sea and up Maher Terrace with an elevation of 127m to the Noosa National Park. But then, we only skirted along the edge of the National Park to head back into and passing luxurious large homes in the Sunshine Beach. There were plenty of checks, which Next Week managed to get most of them correct. We spotted a street named Corona St where I marked ‘C.Virus’ – I wonder how many hashers noticed that? With a walkers and runners split, the four dedicated hardcore runners – Weak As, Next Week, All Fours and Kaffir managed to stretch their legs a little with an added 2km loop. We managed to catch up with the walkers and soon there was the markings of ‘On Home’. We thought we had lost trail, seeing the promise of going home markings, but we had almost another 1km to go!

The circle was a shamble of hashers randomly forming a semicircle around the picnic table shelter. The run report was given by Next Week who gave a score of 6.85 out of 10 which was actually meant to be the distance but everyone misheard him. It would’ve be 10 out of 10 had it been a longer run but it was a good distance as we managed to catch up with the walkers near the end. The walkers report was given by our OBE, Longis Prongis – there were great hills, good markings but was sorely disappointed that there were so many short cutting basket cases!

Down downs were given to:

• Visitors: Diane & Andy (Dorset) and happens to be Ma’ Dog’s sister, Sandra (NZ) is housesitting Licorice Nipple’s sister’s house
• Blameless or is he faultless? With his newly constructed super doper knee he does 12,000 steps in a day without leaving his house – apparently he’s strapped his fit bit to his dog and told it to come back in an hour!
• Shit Stirrer Award: Slurps for being the caring sharing person she is, having had a lovely walk down to the beach she wasn’t at least concerned with her friend Mother Trucker for not only being lost on trail but she could’ve be left lying on the side of the road! I think she was singing the above tune of being at the seaside…
• 3 lost little lambs: Wet Check, Mother Trucker, Hoarder – said they weren’t lost but got way laid instead, having stopped at 3 bars & 1 pub!
• Ride On – must’ve come prematurely when asked how far it was from the last marking of ‘On Home’ to the actual home as it was nearly 1km of teasing!
• Tail End & Hoarder – recognition of 450 runs (total of 900)! – we sang ‘get a life’ to them…
• Shazza was on the phone and we made too much noise during the circle for her to hear her conversation. She also needs a hash name – suggestions were: was she on Tinder? When Shazza met Bazza? Swipe Right or Left?
• Ride On got another one from Weak As, but his drink was an empty cup as he tried to ‘poison’ Weak As at the drink stop with water and not beer!
• Slurps had a birthday drink and song

An important piece of information from the GM: apparently if you haven’t had your leg over for a while you become a virgin again. If you want more details, phone this number 0469 696 969 (for a good time, ask for Licker)…

Thanks to the hares: Ride On, Roobarb (& Miss Millie) for the ham salad rolls, trail, fun and frivolity beside the seaside!

On On
All Fours

Date: Monday 11/9/23
Location: Tewantin
Hares: Noosa H3 Committee

They say cow manure come from males – but that’s bullsh*t! So, what does a farmer talk about when he’s milking a cow? Udder nonsense!

If you feel like you’ve herd all these cow puns before, you’re probably just experiencing déjà-moo! That’s what it felt like when I came dressed in a cow onesie, I have never herd so many cow jokes. Unfortunately, I have to inform you all that it was an intersexual cow as it didn’t actually have an udder!

What a fab evening we had on our 3 course progressive dinner stagger around Tewantin, with 46 hashers and 1 cow come out of the woodwork! Even though the RA’s broken Anti Rain app didn’t deter this hardy lot with smattering of showers here and there! Most hashers got into the spirit of things by dressing up in their best Op Shop finery or may be that’s what they normally wear on non hash nights! We started at chez Breathless and had only gone 100m down the back of the houses on Butler St when we had our first casualty – Screamer falling down a HUGE rabbit hole! We were joined by a couple of kids on bikes, so interested in the events and what the hashers were doing – perhaps these are hashers in the making? Next Week and All Fours were on their bikes keeping the group together. All Fours rode ahead to take photos while Next Week was short cutting the slower walkers and rerouting the trail when we encountered the first downpour. With all the excitement most hashers forgot to take umbrellas and torches – both were needed!

Entrees were served at Kaffir’s garage on Hay St – a Potato & Corn Chowder Soup washed down with a drop of sweet Sherry. After some more rain, we waited before we ventured 500m down the end of Hay St along the water and through a private property of Elaine’s which she kindly let the rowdy Hashers use as a bypass. Mains was at Licorice Nipple’s on Ward St – Sarn Choy Baos with heaps of wine flowing! The hashers then staggered another 1km before Puds at Next Week & All Fours’ to enjoy their icecreams, chocolates and sucking port through chocolate fingers. After watching the rain come and go, it was back to Breathless’ for the circle around a gorgeous firepit to dry all your bits. I even got the comment about not standing too close to the fire as they liked their steaks rare…

Down downs were given to:

• Returnees: Munchin’ (broken bits for 18 months), Drover’s Dog (out & about), Shazza (no hash name yet, been in Europe), Noddy (just haven’t been to a run, although he arrived late), Nafa (somewhere in France)
• Run report: Reverse Thrust (a well marked trail, when it wasn’t raining, keeping everyone together at each of the courses, most enjoyable)
• Shit Stirrer Award: No one quite deserving tonight, perhaps it was because there weren’t enough virgins being sacrificed, even though Insultan put up his hand. Minder was nowhere to be found to name any spinsters!
• Turtle Luv tried to tell us a joke about a black guy, a white guy, lost the plot then Berocca had to step in to assist, then it was something about losing her sombrero & throwing red wine over at least 8 people
• Kaffir – for telling Noddy that the start of the run was @ 5:30pm, Noddy turned up at Breathless’ only to find nobody home but managed to find enough trail to make it to the 3rd course!
• Ma’ Dog told us a cow joke – something about standing up & not getting your arse wet?

There was plenty grog along the journey with Licker & Red Knob’s travelling Uber bucket from house to house. Many thanks to all the eateries in Tewantin, their hospitality and thanks to those to came along to enjoy themselves and made it a great night!

Some parting words/question: What do cows say when they hear a bad joke? I am not amoosed (with this udder nonsense)!!!

MOO MOO!
All Fours (on 2 wheels)

Date: Monday 4/9/23
Location: Tewantin
Hares: Slurps & Ma’ Dog

Tonight’s run in Tewantin was BLAMELESS! Therefore I, Ma’ Dog + Slurps, take no responsibility for the shit weather, lack of trail i.e. no arrows, length of the run, shortness of the walk, topography and no drink stop. You can’t get anymore blameless than that at Hash, no can you!

What a great day to lay a run ‘not’, howling winds, rain horizontal and a tad chilly. So much for the R.A.’s good weather app on her phone, about as useful as a one legged man, in an ass kicking contest! I did tried to set a run but to no avail and I got pissed on from a great height and all arrows deluged away. Yet low and behold, ten minutes before the run, the deluge stopped and the firking sun came out. Surprisingly, a good number of hashers turned out for the run, like Kondom & Wetcheck, all the way from Buderim, which put our local ‘pikers’ to shame.

At 5pm on the dot, we set off, or maybe not? We had to wait for Ride-on to change his glasses but it didn’t make any difference, he’s still looks an ugly old bastard. So, I improvised – I gave the runners my trail marked map and took the walkers backwards through old Tewantin. We sort of made it up as we went along, heading up Ward Street, with inputs from our two ‘arty farty’s’ Woof Woof & Whistleblower. Kondom, the resident Octogenarian, kept up a fine pace and dragged along Sir Minder, who surprisingly lasted the distance. The runners, All Fours & Next Week, with Licker, the birthday girl keeping up the rear, passed us twice enroute, which was good to see. I think the walkers managed about just over 3kms and the runners 5.3km, as they shortcut a little bit. At the end of our run we headed back down Ward Street, through the park and home. Some of the walkers were a bit slow on the uptake and were confused, as the arrows were facing the wrong way doh! Forgetting I didn’t lay any, it was actually All Fours doing it for the runners, as she went – told you it’s not my fault!

When we arrived back, Slurps my illustrious co-hare, had exceeded herself, flipping burgers and chicken schnitzels, with DT on the onions and cooked the nosh too early. Trying to assist Slurps a plethora of hashers tried to ignite the two spare BBQ’s. We read the instructions, pressed the said button for 6 seconds but no joy. Only later we realised we were pressing the decal, explaining the operation, not the ‘ON’ button on the right and it’s not my fault we hadn’t been drinking enough! It was just one of those ‘Reverse’ nights and so we did food first and the ‘Circle’ after and Reverse Thrust was in attendance too.

For the ‘Circle’ we welcomed back our resident ‘Song Mistress’ Possum, whose absence for a month, has seen our song repertoire, into a decline. As Boobs so aptly mentioned, just the same old song reiterated, again & again. So, to hear her foghorn like vocal cords, waxing lyrical, with her renditions of Hash songs, was wonderful. Many charges were laid, me getting four, including the ‘Hashit’ toilet seat, for shit stirring, as though I’m ever guilty of that. Popeye, ‘cos his dog Thunderbolt (who was so SHIT scared of the lightning) did a huge sloppy dump and he apparently neglected to pick it up (not the dog’s fault that Popeye fed him curry). DT for getting an earful from his better half Woof Woof and not remembering why? Our GM ‘Licker’ for her cumming of age today, somewhere between 45 & 70, that’s the age bit, not the cumming!

Licker reminded us about the ‘progressive dinner stagger’ next week, starting at the Breathless’ abode and ending back there, so put it in your social calendar you old farts, somewhere between, lawn bowls, bingo and line dancing! BTW, it’s not my fault that Licker’s poster had the wrong date of 12 September instead of 11 September!

On On
Ma’ Dog (aka Hashit)