Date: Monday 10/7/23
Location: Tewantin
Hares: Turtle Luv & Rocky

HO HO HO! Did you know: ‘Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la and then the next line is “Don we now our gay apparel”. Well, the hashers certainly got in spirit of this festive occasion and dressed up in Christmas apparel!

We gathered out the front of the Bowlos carpark in fear of offending them (again) standing next to the sewage system which occasionally leaked certain smells. The hashers, keen to get away from the odour quickly departed down to Riverstone Court and into Wallace Park. People passing the groups of hashers in the park were giving us Christmas greetings or sniggering! Licker appeared to be one of the Front Running B**tards (FRBs) at the checks, especially around her home but didn’t find any trail. The runners and walkers split was at the back of Venture Drive with the runners passing two breweries but no beer stops!

There was a check at the Bunnings round-a-bout which All Fours marked to cross the road, whereas the actual trail should have taken a left turn. While Next Week was on the other side of the road checking trail, All Fours finally found the correct trail but couldn’t be assed to go back to correct the markings. The trail did eventually cross over to the other side of the road but that wasn’t until another two blocks or round-a-bouts at Walter Hay Drive. Crossing at the back of the Good Shepard School, the trail led us through and along Noosa Waters and out to the Noosa River. The runners then made a dash along Hilton Terrace where they just managed to catch up with Santa Longis Prongis as he was approaching the Bowlos and home around the corner! We were greeted with a roaring firepit, pretty coloured Christmas lights and mulled wine in the courtyard garden of Turtle’s.

The circle was conducted by the firepit with Long Prong giving the walkers report. He thought the trail was quite a substantial distance with most walkers short cutting home. Recharge gave the runners report as he came in last with Licker and Lech. This of course was All Fours fault for putting in the ‘false’ arrow at the check. To my defence, I didn’t think there were any more runners as they were so far behind!

Down downs were notably for Berocca & DT as they have something in common. Berocca got the ‘shits’ while DT was holding up the GM at the start of the run ‘talking shit’. While Red Knob & No Crutch were with the boys standing around fire talking secret Mens business, I dared them to put their hot poker in. Only these two fit the bill – resulting with a Red Knob & No Crutch getting his burnt off! Possum forgot her song book and was asking around the circle for songs when Digit Digester got to sing her ‘how would you like my finger?’.

The best dressed female prize went to Hairy Mickey who was a delightful green Xmas fairy, complete with stockings (they were a beauty too!). Best dressed male was Long Prong in his Santa suit. The free Xmas raffle was drawn by Mother Trucker and won by Berocca (choccies, bubbles & beer).

A fabulous Xmas spread of ham, turkey, roasted potatoes, creamy bake, glazed carrots – finishing with apple strudel, custard and ice cream was served! Apparently, Unremarkable had been slaving over a hot stove from 1pm and even lit the fire without using any white spirits. Another top Kiwi bloke was Dick Bender who was busy cleaning the barbie and dishes while Hairy Mickey was like Cinderalla – all dressed up and helping in the kitchen.

Many thanks to the hares – Rocky for laying an excellent trail and Turtle Luv for the wonderful Xmas dinner and hospitality! Fa la la la la, la la la la!!

On On
All Fours

Date: Monday 3/7/23
Location: Tewantin
Hares: Ma’ Dog & Holy Smoke

The Bureau of Meteorology had been predicting rain and lots of rain the week prior to Ma’ Dog’s run. La Niña was going to come out to party but fortunately, the RA (who’s responsible for the weather) used all her powers to ensure that Ma’ Dog’s run was going to be spared! We had double the number of hashers who rocked up this time than Ma’ Dog’s previous run – they even came with brollies and rain coats.

At last, Ma’ Dog was able to use the infamous trail he had planned months ago. Out down Blackheath, across Furness and along Gleneagle, Fairways Drives, Stableford and Linksland Streets were not just street names but quite a few golfing terminology. There were a few lovely parks, reserve, crossing creeks and even a drink stop! Lots of checks ensured that the pack kept together most of the time with runners and walkers splits too. The run was 6.07km long which took only 45 minutes and the weather remained delightfully dry!

Ma’ Dog soon got the ‘burning inferno’ going around the backyard, while Holy Smoke was flipping burgers on the barbie. We gathered around the fire pit for the circle which would’ve been quite dark but fortunately All Fours had her torch to light up the occasion. Rocky gave the walkers report – scoring 7.5/10 for a 4.5km which included a great drink stop (even though Ma’ Dog forgot an extra ingredient), while Next Week gave the runners report.

Down Downs this week were:

• The travellers: DT & Woof Woof have been ‘Everywhere Man’ up in Capentaria (at least 20 destinations rattled off), meanwhile Rocky had an eating & boozy Rick Stein European visit (again at least 20 destinations)

• Licker for blocking the driveway with her car that Ma’ Dog couldn’t get to the drink stop in time
• Kaffir for forgetting his torch on such a dark night but didn’t ask if anyone had a spare as All Fours could’ve given him not one but two spare torches
• Next Week’s birthday had special numbers. I asked Lech what it meant when Next Week is 68 years old, born in ’55 and All Fours is 55 years old and was born in ’68 – his response was lucky or just a ‘coincidence’
• All Fours being RA blessed the hashers with NO RAIN!

On a more serious note, the GM made an announcement:

Due to the increase in the price of food, we are increasing our weekly run fee to $10 which will also include a beverage (beer/wine/soft drink). This means your run fee has only gone up by $2 and drinks prices remain the same at $3 each. 

This increase will begin on 1 August 2023. There has not been a fee increase in 25 years.

You will be provided with a drinks token when you pay your run fee each week.

With the serious proceedings done, we tucked ourselves into some yummy gourmet burgers with all the trimmings of beetroot, pineapple, lettuce, pickles and various sauces. There was even vego sausages for Digit Digester! Then we washed it down with some port to finish. Thanks Ma’ Dog and Holy Smoke for the run, food, hospitality and no La Niña in sight!

On On
All Fours

Date: Monday 26/6/23
Location: Gympie
Hares: Gympie Ironman

WOW, a very fit, sporty crowd of sports people gathered at Gympie’s Mt Pleasant Hotel for the Ironman Event. There were: Football/Soccer players representing Argentina, Manchester United; Netballers playing positions: WA, GS; Footy players representing: England, Rugby, Gympie, Qld Maroons, Highlanders; Swimmers, Martial Arts, Surfers, Life Savers, Torch Bearer and various non descript Hashers just to name a few.

Words from Ma’ Dog…

Great night at the ‘Gympie Ironman’ H3 run. Piss poor showing from NH3 but what’s new?! Well done to the 13 Noosa hardcore (real Ironman athletes) that made the effort. A pub crawl ‘up hill, down dale’ across Gympie to wet your whistles. Back to Mt Pleasant pub for the circle and good pub nosh. Really enjoyable, as Gympie H3 always makes us welcome and puts on a good night.

Well, that pretty much sums up this great sporting event that we’ve been training for months in advance! So glad for the training as there were 5 pubs that we had to conquer in 1.15 hours which we were very rushed for drinks as Dolly (Gympie GM) kept time check. At one stop Digit Digester was seen taking her drink with her to keep her hydration levels up. We received various jeers and remarks from the general public either at the pubs or on the streets about at our attire. It was a very warm evening of 22oC, even though we were warned it was going to be freezing in Gympie!

Dinner at the pub was the choice of roast pork or fish with sticky date pudding for dessert. We hope Red Knob replenished his energy when he had excess food donated to him from Holy Smoke, All Fours and Licker. Licker ordered an extra dessert just to eat the ice cream and lick all the caramel sauce off the plate! Next Week kept on winning the raffle draws but only took the bottle of red wine which was promptly drunk by Holy Smoke, Next Week and Kaffir – was better than the boxed stuff.

Thanks to Gympie H3 for the fun, frivolity and hospitality! We’ll be back, but in the meanwhile, I hope you all start training now for the next Ironman…

On On
All Fours

Run Report: Monday 19/6/23
Location: Noosa Heads
Hare: Treadie

According to the world of Google, there are a few explanations of what 2248 means:

• a puzzle game using logic and maths solving skills to match a series of numbers in a grid to reach the end figure of 2248 – combine tiles together to build up your number and steadily work towards the end figure

• in the Bible, the number 2 represents the duality of good and evil, the number 4 represents God’s creation and the earth, and the number 8 represents new beginnings and resurrection hence this angel number 2248 aligns you with the power of God and his divine will for your life or

• simply put by Lech: ‘magic accountant numbers’ 2+2=4, 4+4 = 8!

Treadie, despite living in Tewantin was determined not to set another run in Tewantin and so it was set in Noosa Heads! With 27 hashers gathered in Pinaroo Park we were entertained by a group of young Asians playing volleyball nearby. Treadie drew a plethora of chalk instructions on the concrete – good luck with the hashers taking in any instructions or even understanding them!

There was a great mix of trails from streets to lots of bush tracks through the back of houses. Lots of checks and on backs meant the walkers and runners were constantly together. We even saw Treadie walking alongside the walkers, and then the BIG confusion at a runners/walkers split/check where the runners went left and the walkers continued on. However, further up the hill the next arrows had a ‘W’ marked on the supposed runners trail! At one stage we had Lazy Prick wondering if this was going to be a 10km trail and why the visitors were always ahead of him! Treadie must’ve had too much time on her hands as she even marked an on back from a check as well as the correct trail, whereas most hashers wouldn’t bother. We knew we were heading home when we approached Pinaroo Park in the dark, but the runners still had to do a small diversion of the park first but we coincided with the walkers again!

The down downs for the week were for:

• Wet Check gave the walkers report 8/10, CL gave the runners report 7.5/10 – it was the best marked run & trail by a country mile as it kept all the walkers & runners together at all times

• Sunshine & CL from Nelson Bay visiting, Whoopie – staying with Treadie & hoping to be a resident in Noosa

• Mozzie & Haybales – acting as a loved up honeymoon couple giggling and holding hands coming out of the bush

• Unremarkable for being so demanding – he shouted in a commanding manner to Screamer “Debs, this way now!” while she was dilly dallying at the check

• Screamer – Licker thought she was a human GPS giving directions all the way, knowing every street name but Ma’ Dog didn’t think so as she lost her way earlier that morning

• Treadie for giving a zillion instructions at the start explaining everything about the trail but she failed to tell us about the RG (Regroup) sign

• Red Knob for getting lost and asking the Leyland Brothers ‘Where the f*ck are we? –we sung the appropriate Leyland song for him – if you remember the good old 1980s when things were so uncomplicated…

• Fashionistas – Insultan (wearing a yellow/black striped trakkie daks (Bruce Lee or Laa Laa Teletubbie?), Unremarkable with leggings, baggy shorts and long socks attire

• Holy Smoke – the wonderful JUNE birthday girl!

We enjoyed the huge baked spud with chili con carne, salad, sour cream & herbs for trimmings – so well organised. Thanks for the great comfort food – perfect for a cold Winter’s evening and of course the perfectly marked trail of the century Treadie!

On On
All Fours

Date: Monday 12/6/23
Location: Tewantin
Hares: Recharge & GB

A couple of days prior to the Hash, I got a phone call from GB in need of some pot! I did try to explain that I wasn’t a dealer when I realised it wasn’t that sort of pot – it was for the cooking of the curried lentil soup!

With three days of solid rain it wasn’t looking too good for these virgin hares to be setting any trail. Fortunately, the RA made sure the skies cleared up that morning but even that wasn’t good enough for the majority of those slack a*se fair weather hashers – we had a lowish turnout of 22ish hashers (a very imitate group – too bad you missed out!).

We ventured out from Recharge & GB’s abode, across a little bridge in Pine Park, joining back onto the other part of Read St and down Livingstone St. We soon reached Butler St where I had seen an arrow past my house which didn’t go nowhere. Lazy Prick had gone down to Gympie St in search for trail, whereas Kaffir was told it would go past Breathless’ house, took the correct trail down Spinnaker St. We did go past Red Knob’s house on Crank St, then through Goodwin Park to Cullinane St and Werin St. Along George & Moorindil Streets was the Calvary Nursing Home where we came across the runners and walkers split. It would’ve been just a short stroll back for the walkers, whereas the runners went on down Hay St, past On & Off’s house to the magnificent impromptu drink stop at Kaffir’s place. The next hasher’s house we past was Treadie’s then heading down Tait St, through the back of Riverlands Noosa Retirement and back home down Read St.

No name Sue (who got named shortly thereafter) gave the walkers report. She thought it was like a Goldilocks run, as it was not too long, not too short, but just right and scored it an 8.5! Kaffir scored it a 7.5, being a great little run of just over 5km with a few more nocks and crannies than his run last week for Larrikins which was a mammoth 8.5km and of course there was a great drink stop for the runners!

The down downs were:

• Long Prong for impersonating All Fours – having fallen over, he had scars that would have been on his knees but as he wore long compression socks, the scars were about 10cm down from the knees but standing next to All Fours it’s her knee height!

• Drug charges for: GB for not having any ‘pot’ available at the rave; Kaffir being the pot dealer/grower; Recharge & All Fours who were responsible for watering & looking after the pot, let the whole crop die!
• On & Off – she didn’t know what day it was and not realising it was a Hashing night was about to take the dog for a walk when Licorice Nipples reminded her. She prompted shoved the dog back inside the house and came to the hash instead!

• Treadie’s hash challenge for identifying an object made of black spongy rubber with 2 straps that clipped together. There were all sorts of kinky names and suggestions but we still don’t know what it is!

• No name Sue finally got named: ‘Be Prepared’. A few weeks ago she had a handbag that had everything inside but tonight she had a backpack that suggested that she was ‘ready for anything’, ‘has anything you want, just name it’, ‘it’s got everything in there except the kitchen sink’ and apparently you can ‘stay forever young’ by putting weights into your backpack!

The raffle was drawn by our newly named hasher and was won by Mother Trucker.

With the fabulous fire going, we feasted on some YUMMY lentil curried/aroma filled/spicy soup with warmed Turkish baked bread. But wait, there’s MORE – we had Tiramisu for dessert! Thank you so much for your hospitality, food and trail Recharge & GB – no longer virgins!

On On
All Fours

Date: Monday 5/6/23
Location: Coolum
Hares: Combined Sunshine Coast Hash

As we were heading south of Noosa to the outer suburbs, we thought, what bloody idiots would go out in this weather? A deluge of condensation of atmospheric water vapor that falls from the sky, due to gravitational pull, rain I mean! ???? When we gathered at the start, the ‘fair weather’ hashers were noted by their absence – wankers! The ‘die hards’ of approximately 19, supported our joint venture with Sunshine Coast H3, who numbered around 22’ish. Luckily Wonky had cunningly slipped the rugby club bosses a $50 note, so we could use their covered area and we needed it. Wrong Way was our hare for the night and preceded to inform, everyone of the great trail he’d set, including a drink stop too.

Needless to say, there was no real trail, or marks but the throng set off regardless. Into the darkness they meandered across the footy fields, to the amusement of the juniors training. That look of bewilderment on their young faces, as this long line of old farts with torches and umbrellas, chatting away, some calling and some just ambling, into the bush behind the footy fields. They must’ve thought they let out the whole retirement village on a night excursion. We followed everyone else in front of us like lambs to the slaughter! There was a lot of toing and froing in the park when Weak As saw the ‘On Home’ trail and turned back. The whole group was then divided with some going left, right, across the road and some just stationary! Eventually the group crossed back over the busy road and headed towards the drink stop. It was only then, we actually saw arrows that were pointing in the opposite direction to the drink stop! After the drink stop, we saw the actual marked trail but we were following it backwards which was much easier to see than going the right direction! It was a rather quick little run, as hashers were soon back, coming in from all directions. Some apparently totally misread Wonky’s instructions and did the run backwards but still managed to return with the rest. All Fours managed a 3.5km stroll while Slurps registered 4.2km – she must have shorter legs?

Amazingly, by the time everyone returned the precipitation had stopped and a glorious night was upon us, for how long anybody’s guess. Nibbles were organised by Hoarder & Tailend, to satisfy the mob and accompany their imbibe. We all settled in for a moment of reflection, on the run and catch up with old mates, before Licker announced the first of three courses of our sumptuous feast was ready. A heartening chickpea curry soup prepared by Licorice Nipples was served and it was a very tasty. That followed, by a chicken or lamb curry on a bed of rice – yummy! Listening to all the mutterings around, it was very well received and we felt spoilt. “But wait there’s more”, Licker served up a caramel dumpling dessert with custard. These Harriettes should be applauded for their sumptuous feast they conjured up tonight.

The circle was called by Licker and the officiating began, with a combination of Weak As, All Fours and Licker presiding. Weak As, in his element ran a well conducted Sunny Coast circle, only pausing when Licker interjected with disdain! Wonky got a well deserved down, for a magnificent trail, set in trying conditions. The ‘three amigos’ got a down for the nosh and nibblies. Other down downs were for a selection of Sunshine Coast Hashers like Sir Kimby, Pontious and a few more to mention if we could remember their names or why they were charged! All Fours finally took over, tried to get some semblance of order but gave in and cracked a few jokes re. her Asian heritage. Something about “OH NO, NOT RICE AGAIN!!” and why Asians have slanty eyes. Eventually, even Weak As ran out of puff and the circle was concluded. In the blink of an eye, everyone was gone, rushing home to see ‘Farmer wants a Wife’.

In conclusion, a top night considering the weather. I didn’t do the run obviously, due to the red wine shortage or should I say ‘bloody’ GM locked it in her car, so I had to go to Dan Murphy’s instead!

On On

Ma’ Dog

Date: Monday 29/5/23

Location: Tewantin

Hares: Mother Trucker & Kaffir

A rather select group of hashers gathered at the Wooroi Day Use Area, located opposite the Carramar Aged Care. A rather surprising location (well, to me anyhow as a relatively newcomer) in Tewantin which is essentially in the bush. Kaffir did not disappoint with runners and walkers trails and no traffic to contend with!

Initially, it was a little slow going with many checks, the walkers doing a lot of stationary checks but eventually the lovely trails lead to open spaces, going up and down and a lot of running to do. On many occasions, we had to run through Kondom and Minder taking up the whole path as they were busy chatting and walking. The pack soon petered off with the runners and walkers split. Lazy Prick led most of the way with Next Week, All Fours and Nafa lagging behind. There were the Glider, Wooroi and Powerline Tracks, which are excellent walking and mountain biking trails. We didn’t see much wildlife, apart from hashers but there were two bike riders.

All the walkers and runners seem to come in together as it was getting dark. The walkers report was given by Insultan who loved my well marked off trail of tiny arrows on little stones – there wasn’t much real estate to put marks on in the first place! The runners report was given by Next Week, who said the first bit that Mother Trucker set was perfect and the rest was shit. A great 6km run with a 96m elevation gain, in the bush and back under an hour!

Charges for the week were for:

• Ma’ Dog & chip off the old block son, Mad Cock – who claims he doesn’t swear, drink or take after his old man!
• Graham (visitor) who has hashed in different places before, saw chalk marks in Tewantin and knew it must’ve been the hash. He also lives near to a bloke called Russell aka Whinger
• Nafa, who will be going away for months, sang his own goodbye song
• Hoarder & Tailend were absent for 3 weeks travelling around the ‘STANS’ i.e. Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan (I did have to look them up to spell them!)
• Biggles is a talented hasher who is ambidextrous – he can use two torches at the same time with his left and right hand! He claims he took two torches on the run, as one was for the visitor, when in fact he didn’t need any at all!
• Dance experts: Ma’ Dog doing the Nutbush City last weekend away while Beams was doing the Brooklyn Shuffle as he pulled a hammie and was shuffling along the trail tonight
• All Fours – when Wet Check pointed out that she put on the Hash Trash the run date was 1st June when it was only 29th May. Beams said everyone else noticed but were too polite to say anything…

As it got darker and colder, some lovely hot Ham & Pea soup with garlic bread was served! Thanks to Mother Trucker and Kaffir for this weeks hash frivolities as we were done and dusted and out of the park by 6:30pm!

On On
All Fours

A touch of déjà vu… Date: Monday 15/5/23 Location: Tewantin Hares: Screamer & Unremarkable It’s the sense or feeling of having previously experienced something that really has been encountered before. Here we are back in Tewantin, Griffith Ave, fire, Ma’ Dog – there’s some sort of weird connection going on. The moment we stepped out onto Griffith Ave, the runners and the walkers were already divided with the walkers going one way and the runners in the opposite direction. The runners did a massive 2.5km loop from Griffith Ave, Park View Ct, through the Heritage Park Bushland, Carramar St and Golf Course Dr. Fortunately, there were a number of runners: Nafa, Next Week, All Fours, Recharge, Lech, Beams, Miss Bossy Boots, Biggles and Lazy Prick as there many checks and on backs to contend with. From each check, the arrows were very sparsely marked for at least 500m apart until we counted 3 in a row to be on! With the runners having done their first loop, there was another loop joining onto the walkers trail along Golf Course Dr, Harry’s Short Cut, Homestead Dr, through Daintree Park and back along Golf Course Dr to home. We did manage to catch up with Slurps and Possum who led us back onto trail over the creek. There was a surprise drink stop of ginger beer along the way, manned by Unremarkable who was a little delayed in getting to the drink stop as he was trying to light the fire but had to pour some white spirits onto it and left it with Screamer in charge. If I remember correctly, back in Feb on Ma’ Dog & Screamer’s run he also gave up with the rice half cooking and left it with Screamer to deal with it. Upon arriving home, there was a fabulous fire to welcome us – so warm and toastie! Omo gave the walkers report – a very nice well marked run from virgin reporter to virgin hares while Beams gave the runners report. A most delightful run of 5.56km which took under an hour with the walkers and runners returning the same time. Here’s some charges for the week: Breathless tried to give ‘No Name Sue’ a name as he was showing us her bag packed full of everything – ready for all occasions. Perhaps some names along the lines of: Girl Guide, Boy Scout, Ready for Anything, Ready for Action, Mrs MacGyver? Recharge had a gash on his forehead – not one but a fresh one in the same place when he walked into his metal trailer – didn’t he learn the first time? Hashers absent for a while: Omo, Lazy Prick, Mad Dog and Floosie Hashers away at Darwin Nash Hash: Licker (during the Red Dress run, an indigenous woman in the streets watching fancied an old overweight hasher’s red dress that she started to give chase, Holy Smoke (gave a synopsis of a well organised event, with the next one in Fremantle), Mother Trucker and Slurps Red Knob who now proudly handles the Beer Meister duties, in his last haul of recycling cans and bottles from the hash p*ssheads was $400!  After trying the Lorry Boys beer, he thought was a bit ‘sissy’ and would rather drink VB – made for real men! Raffle was won by Dennis the Menace (yet to be officially named!) What a great night, great trail, great food (chili con carne to warm us on the insides), great fire and great company! I don’t know why Ma’ Dog was so worried for this virgin hare as Unremarkable had it all under control with Screamer in charge. Thanks for your hospitality! On On All Fours